Sunday, January 27, 2008

All I want to do is....

SLEEP! I need SO much of it right now!

And I swear my belly is betting noticeably bigger every day.

I've got through the week at work fairly well I think. I managed to get Rob an appointment with the old sales calls, I've attended meetings about ops, sales and IT, a meeting up in the Lakes about staffing and training new cleaners up there (which meant I didn't get home till gone 7pm on Friday night because 'they' are digging Windermere up so the traffic was backed up and a 45 min drive took an hour and a quarter) and even got involved in training the new sales staff.

But this weekend all I have wanted to do is sleep!!!

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with Kathy. It went pretty well. She and Tony are expecting their first baby too, she's almost exactly one month behind me. We talked about babies, pregnancy, miscarriages (something she's suffered from more than me, poor thing), cravings, names... usual stuff. It went ok. I even lent her a DVD which means we will be seeing each other again pretty soon. We spoke about meeting up again, maybe with Jill sometime and going out for lunch as 3 pregnant bellies.

Today I am meeting up with Jen and going for lunch. Not sure where we're headed yet but I am feeling the calls of a half pint of Guinness in the distance and might just cave in to it!

I had another 'moment' last night.

Around 12.30 I woke up and needed a pee. My bedside lamp was still on and I figured I'd turn if off once I'd got back into bed so I wouldn't fall over anything or stub my toe on the end of the bed. I caught a glimpse of my naked bod in the mirror as I walked past and got a shock.

Don't know why, I am well aware that I am pregnant. But every so often when I see this huge belly - that this time isn't just fat - with it's faint marbling's of blood vessels showing though and occasional movement as Wiggle shuffles about, and my growing breasts which have changed shape - as have my nipples which have also changed colour, what's that all about? - I got a shock. It sinks in that little bit more than in only a very few short weeks time I am going to be a mum. Or more to the point, I'm going to have a baby.

Actually HAVE it.

It's not the birth that worries me (I tend not to think about that much) it's the fact that I am going to be responsible for this life. This little person that will rely on me (and Yorkie too, but as he'll be at work, mostly me) to keep it warm, fed, loved and safe. This baby that I can't get fed up with and give back to someone else. It's not a game of Mums and Dads, or a computer game like the Sims were it doesn't really matter and you can stop and walk away when you've had enough, or babysitting where it does matter, but only for a few hours till the parents come back and then you can get on with your own life.

This is it. Forever! No going back. Nothing will ever be the same.

Granted, it will be better, but there is still this selfish part of me that screams out "What about my life? My hobbies? My fun?", or more to the point "What if I cant cope? What if I'm a crap mum? What if my baby is sick or dying and I can't tell?"

But then (by the time I'd had my wee and got back into bed next to my husband, who half woke up and asked if me and Wiggle were okay, then put an arm round us and hugged us) I got over it, and felt happy. Wiggle shuffled about a bit then settled down, and I figured that as countless millions of other women have got through this for millenia, I would too. Besides, I have an amazing husband, brilliant family and extended family, and the worlds greatest friends. It's not like I'm on my own out there with no help or advise.

I had just freaked myself out a bit. I don't think it is going to totally sink in that I have a baby until a day or two after I actually have the baba. No matter how many times I feel Wiggle move, see the scan pictures, hear the heart beat, it's still not totally real to me. Every so often it sinks in that little bit deeper and it's usually when I'm not expecting it to.

I can't imagine how Yorkie must be feeling.....

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